Opening Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. You dress the kids up to go to K-mart. You know the full names of more than three wrestlers. You drive more than 35 miles with your turn signal on. Your front porch collapses and kills more than 6 dogs. You've ever used lard in bed. You think potted meat and saltines is an hors d'oeuvre. You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment. More than half your cars don't run. Your mother doesn't remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass. You honestly believe that women are turned on by animal moises and seductive toungue gestures You've ever barbecued spam on the grill. The primary color on your car is "primer". You have a stuffed possum somewhere in your house. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front. Your diploma includes the words "Trucking Institute". Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event. The most common expression heard at your family more...

Banta, a mystery-lover take his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.
Banta calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this show. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly.
Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket near the ticket window and snatches it up.
Returning to Santa in the back of the theater, he whispers, "follow me."
The usher leads him down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.
"Thanks so much," more...

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Two Indians and a Redneck were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave."
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian.
"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into more...

Some actual product warning labels:
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)
In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )
On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops...Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's more...

Some actual product warning labels:On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops...Too late! You lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING more...

If you've ever noticed, when Bart Simpson is writing something 100,000 times on the chalkboard as a punishment in the opening sequence of the Simpsons, he is always writing something different -- and often quite hilarious. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits.

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an more...