Opening Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ebonics Version of Windows ‘98 Debuts!
Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled “It be a fresh Window. ” It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.
There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.
When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a “phat getto track that melts ‘em down wit dope-ass bass, ” The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with “Dis My Shit. ”
The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.
If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With “Da Hood. ”
Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: “Marquee, ” a lil’ G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or more...

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I more...

Craig Donaldson, 17, of Glasgow, Scotland had a little too much time on his hands. One saturday morning in October of 1999 while his parents had left the house to go car shopping, Craig was overcome by the sort of sexual desire only a deprived 17 year old boy could have.

He decided that his usual "self service" material consisting of a back issue of Playboy was not enough and he had become very frustrated. Just then he remembered a story that his friend Jed had told him about a woman in a pornographic movie who had applied peanut butter to her genitals and allowed a trained dog to "clean" it off of her.

Probably thinking to himself, "mom and dad won't be home for hours!", Craig headed upstairs to the kitchen only stopping to let Max, the family's 4 year old doberman pinscher inside the house. Craig searched for some peanut butter but couldn't find any, in fact there was no fruit jam or margarine either.

However, Craig did more...

President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, "Mr. President... Bill... since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, we'd like for you to throw out the first pitch."
President Clinton say excitedly, "SURE, I'D LOVE TOO...SOUUUIIEEEE!"
So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd... the crowd applauds...Bill does the Presidential wave thing...and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. "SOUUUUIIEEEE". The crowd goes WILD!
George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, "That was just FANTASTIC...but I said 'throw out the first PITCH!"

The behavior of a group of long term patients at a psychiatric hospital had been so admirable, the director decided to take them on a field trip to an opening day baseball game. He worked with the group for several weeks beforehand, training them to behave appropriately.
He had accomplished his goal by opening day and the group obeyed every command he would give.
When the National Anthem began, he said "Up Nuts" and they all stood. When the Anthem finished, he said "Down Nuts" and they all sat down in their seats. Noticing how well they were behaving, he decided he would go and get a hot dog and drink. He looked and them and said, "Stay Nuts" and off he went.
When he returned, he was horrified to see a riot had broken out in the stadium section where his patients were. He asked one of the ushers what had happened.
"Everything was going great," the usher explained, "until the vendor came around shouting "Peanuts!"

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet more...

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was more...