"Craig and His Dog" joke

Craig Donaldson, 17, of Glasgow, Scotland had a little too much time on his hands. One saturday morning in October of 1999 while his parents had left the house to go car shopping, Craig was overcome by the sort of sexual desire only a deprived 17 year old boy could have.

He decided that his usual "self service" material consisting of a back issue of Playboy was not enough and he had become very frustrated. Just then he remembered a story that his friend Jed had told him about a woman in a pornographic movie who had applied peanut butter to her genitals and allowed a trained dog to "clean" it off of her.

Probably thinking to himself, "mom and dad won't be home for hours!", Craig headed upstairs to the kitchen only stopping to let Max, the family's 4 year old doberman pinscher inside the house. Craig searched for some peanut butter but couldn't find any, in fact there was no fruit jam or margarine either.

However, Craig did manage to find bowl of brown gravy from a pot roast dinner the night before. By that time, Max had made his way into the kitchen, probably because of the opening of the refrigerator door. Craig set a table chair in the middle of the floor and put the gravy into the microwave to warm it up. When the gravy was heated to just the right temperature, Max the doberman had caught a whiff and he began to salivate.

Here is where Craig's 17 year old sex drive overtook his senses... He placed the heated bowl of gravy on the center of the table chair on top of a paper towel. He called Max to come near and commanded him to "sit" in front of him so that Max's head was at Craig's beltline.

Craig undid his belt, unbuttoned his pants and slid one leg out of his jeans and underwear. He straddled the chair and the gravy and bent his knees a little so that his testicles dropped into the warm gravy. With his testicles covered with warm brown gravy and Max's mouth salivating there was only one thing left to do...

Craig managed to arouse himself and when the time was right he called for Max (who had been waiting patiently in front of him) to "clean" his testicles while Craig attempted to "finish the job" manually.

Everything was going well until Craig suddenly heard the garage door opening. It was his parents returning early. Craig was so shocked that he jumped up and away from Max who was still licking up the remains of the gravy on Craig's testicles.

(A week after this incident, obviously in a moment of reflection, Craig told family members that he knew it had not been a good idea to tease Max the doberman with his treats by showing Max a biscuit and just when Max reached for it... pulling the biscuit away because it had made Max agressive to take hold of a treat and not let go.)

Well, Craig learned his lesson the hard way because aggressive is what all that teasing had made Max with his "treats". As soon as Craig had jerked up at the sound of the garage door opening, Max grabbed a hold of Blake's testicles which severed his scrotum leaving one of the testicles dangling outside the skin.

Without explanation, Craig passed out immediately. His parents later described the scene as they walked into the kitchen from the garage to the police. "We had some groceries in our hands when we stepped into the kitchen and saw our son half naked and bloody with an erection lying motionless while Max was lapping up some gravy from a bowl that had spilled on the floor."

Craig was rushed to the Glasgow Royal Infirmary where doctors were able to sew Craig's scrotum back together. Craig has since recovered fully although he lost one of his testicles and is extremely embarrassed. It is not known at this time whether Blake's surviving testicle will allow him to make his contribution to the gene pool.