Opposite Jokes / Recent Jokes

*If it's zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
*Why is it called building when it is already built?
*If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
*If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
*If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
*Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
*If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
*Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
*If lawyers are debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dry cleaners depressed?

*Why is it if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be more...

(Order): Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
(Chaos): I am here, but my opposite is you.
(Order): Huh?
(Evil): Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
(Truth): My opposite is not here.
(Good): Is your opposite "Lies"?
(Truth): My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
(Evil): )snicker( Figures!
(Order): Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
(Evil): Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
(Good): I have the cards.
(Evil): I've got the chips.
(Truth): I have the beer.
(Chaos): I have the cards!
(Order): Shut up.
...
(Order): Whose deal is it?
(Evil): Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
(Truth): It is Good's deal.
(Good): OK, five card draw... uh, everything is wild.
(Evil): How can anyone win if everything is wild?
(Good): No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
(Order): I like this game.
(Evil): more...

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols - what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be giddy up..."

Familiarity breeds attempt.

Familiarity breeds children.

Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.

Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.

For every "10" there are 10 "1`s".

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

An unmarried Rabbi is on an empty train when a sexy, beautiful woman walks into his empty carriage, carrying a foot long, BLT, Subway sandwich and proceeds to sit down opposite him.
After twenty minutes of emabarrasingly trying to avoid looking at the sexy woman opposite the train comes to a sudden halt and a voice comes over the speakers explaining that the Five Minute Warning has just gone off and that soon the UK will be under nuclear attack.
Shocked at this dreadful and sudden news the Rabbi's thoughts quickly turn to the fact that he will probably be dead within the next five minutes. However instead of taking comfort from his faith and religious training he begins to consider all the things he never did and all the experiences he missed out on due to the religious life he chose to lead.
He quickly realises that he is going to die a virgin too, as he is quite a young Rabbi and he never married. Feeling close to despair at this thought and all the other opportunities more...

Currently, the language is broadcast in many forms, the most notable being Big Tex, a large Texan who broadcasts soley at the Texas State Fair in October each year. His grass roots efforts over the last 40 years have led to a full program being considered by The Texas School System and Ross Perot.
Here is a sample of the curriculum for the beginning language study program:
ahz: the thi aig: which come first, the chi arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkl bawl: what water does bidness: comme bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw co-cola: any form/bran clin cri dawfins: name of the pro footba daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the dayum: an expletive; in other states, a f doc: a condition caused by an ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day sin far: git: goff: a game played with clubs and a li hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! hoss: a more...

Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.