Outlets Jokes

Current Proceedings' Not Long Enough,' News Outlets Argue

On the eve of closing arguments in the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial, a coalition of the major all-news networks has asked the judge in the case for a new trial, claiming that the current legal proceedings were "not long enough."

A spokesperson for the networks, Peter Fendell, held a press conference on Thursday to state the cable news outlets' position that the current trial had given "short shrift" to the key issues in the case.

"Unless there is another, longer trial, preferably one that lasts until May sweeps in 2007, justice will not be served," Mr. Fendell said.

He said that a longer trial would allow more time to focus on the lurid sexual details of the case, which he said had been "glossed over."

He added that, in addition to being "too quick and cursory," the current Jackson trial was marred by the more...

As most of you probably know, they are holding a Woodstock 25th anniversary concert (as well as another competing one nearby) 2 weeks from now (if you don't know what Woodstock was, ask your parents! :) )
Here, taken from a Knight-Ridder story in the local paper yesterday, are 16 reasons people aren't clamoring to buy tickets (the promoters still have 100,000 to sell to meet their goal of 250,000):
They remember how much better the movie was than the real thing.
They have to buy a four-ticket pack and couldn't find three friends who wanted to wallow in the mud for a weekend.
Who needs to go to the show when you can buy the T-shirt at K-Mart?
Already spent the next 5 years' ticket budget on the Eagles, Pink Floyd and/or Barbra Streisand.
They're afraid the brown cappuccino might be bad.
$1,000 a night for a hotel room without Magic Fingers. [A broker reportedly bought up all the nearby hotel rooms, and this is apparently what they're charging for a room at more...