Overheard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Top Ten Things Overheard in the White House
10. Socks just has to go on a very long vacation, that's all.
9. Dad, who are those people on the lawn trying to look through my windows?
8. How many times have your father and I told you not to tickle the man
with the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, young lady?
7. We all would have liked for your friend to come over to play, Chelsea,
but she's a foreign national.
6. I'm sorry the secret service guard wouldn't let you kiss your date,
honey, but he was just being careful.
5. No, I can't come to school for career day, Chelsea.
4. That's MY chair, Hillary.
3. Chelsea, just because your mother and I smoke it doesn't mean you can.
2. Because I'm the President, THAT'S why.
1. My dad? He's taking a nap, President Yeltsin. Can I take a message?

The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150, 000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!! How cute... a tax form done in crayon. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that more...

"Things Overheard in Santa's Workshop"
As presented on the 12/04/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN "Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?" "The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies. .. there's a tough gig" "Hey, Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you" "You know Rudolph's' naturally red nose'? Collagen injection" "Uh-oh -- looks like fat boy drank his lunch again" "Shut down the assembly line for the' Central Park West' action figures" "Which gifts should we plant at O. J.'s house?" "Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!" "Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did" "It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy"

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."
Obsession is the Name "These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry. Dejected, he turned and walked away.The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, Can't let you in sir. While more...

Top Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission
10. "The first vote goes to Gore... call CNN and tell them Gore won."
9. "Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box... oh my god! Stop the dryer!"
8. "If someone voted for' the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?"
7. "Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts... ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"
6. "120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
5. "This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone"
4. "America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election"
3. "Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left over from 1992"
2. "I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way to make it last a few more days..."
1. "Heads Bush... Tails Gore"

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?", the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."

The Top 16 Things Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally

16'If they make us do one more friggin' Macarena, I'm converting to Judaism.'

15'You guys up for happy hour at Hooters after we're done here?'

14'One more chorus of' Kumbaya' and I'm gonna blow chunks!'

13'Man, I see the Washington Monument in a whole new light'

12'Excuse me -- When does Minister Farrakhan come on?'

11'I'm more of a Promise Breaker. I'm just came for the free nachos.'

10'Somebody get some ice, Senator Thurmond's beginning to decompose.'

9'Say, brother, is that a covenant in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?'

8'One more hug from you, Bob, and I PROMISE I'll kick your ass!'

7'Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?'

6'Promise, Schmomise -- where's all the babes?'

5'Oh great... They bring a million bibles, but only twenty rolls of toilet paper.'

4'I haven't more...