Own Jokes / Recent Jokes
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free." You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card. You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce. You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind2. No business.
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis.
Isn't it frightfully good to have it on.
It's swell to own a stiffy, it's devine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tagger to the world's biggest prick.
Hooray for your Willie or John Thomas.
Three cheers for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your wife's best friend, your piece of pork, your persy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can hide it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public or they'll lock you in the dark, and you won't... come... back.
(Sing this to your favorite tune on your way to school to impress all your friends)
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180, 000. 00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250, 000. 00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australian scientists, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $74. 95, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation. Still boots to DOS. Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring. Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi". Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.) Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.) Stuck on the down escalator of life. Stumped by anything child-proof. Subtle as a well-thrown brick. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder. Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay. Surfing in Nebraska. Switch is on, but no one's receiving. Takes her 1. 5 hours to watch "60 Minutes". Takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it. Talks to plants on their own level. Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own. Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason The butter more...
Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And they've been40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introducedat Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs intoa wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.
In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her longslender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what willMattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?
Why fight age? Why notcapitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for apast 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie:
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors more...