Paddy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem.""What's the matter?" replies Paddy"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges.""What's the picture of?" asks Paddy"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

Paddy is looking very miserable, so one of his friends goes up to him to see what is wrong.
"What's wrong Paddy?" asks the friend.
"It's a bad day for my family," says Paddy, "I've just heard that my father died this morning."
Naturally the friend is very sympathetic, and tries to console Paddy. Then the phone rings and Paddy goes to answer it. When he comes back he is looking even more upset and the tears are streaming down his cheeks.
"What's wrong now paddy?" asks the friend.
"This truly is a bad day for my family," he replies, "That was my brother on the phone, and HIS father has died too!"

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.His mate asked him what it was like."Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you homeand fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, theylet you fuck their women whenever you want.""Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australianswere real pricks.""Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.
"What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!"
"I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"

Paddy walks past a building site and sees a sign with LABOURERS WANTED on it so he go into the site office and says to the foreman oive come about the labourers job.
Foreman well Ive just got to give you a simple initiative test so can you give me a sentence with GREAT in it
After a short pause Paddy thinks about his donkey jacket that he always wears and says
well done you can have a start theres a shovel outside
That night Paddy sees his mate Murphy in the pub and tells him about his new job and all about the test and what to say.
SO nice and early monday morning Murphy is at the Foremans door asking about a job because he has taken a few more labourers on the test is a littel bit harder so he says to Murphy can you give me a sentence fascinate in it.
So Murphy recites and oiv got donkey oi tink its great.
The Foreman says NO a sentence with fascinate in it.
So Murphy again says oiv got donkey jacket oi tink its great.
NO NO NO! says the Foreman a more...

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking.
The good father was able to convince Paddy that, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"