Page Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ranil goes to the newspaper vendor every morning, reads the front page headline and returns the paper. When this continued for several days the vendor asked Ranil, "Sir, everyday you read only the headline and return the paper. Are you looking for some special news?"
"Yes, I'm looking for an obituary notice"
"But Sir, obituary notices are on page 11"
No, this fellow whom I want dead will make the headlines if he dies"

Jake and Saul are 2 old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turn to the Obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He then correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.

"Jake, are you up yet?"

Jake sleepily answers; "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 more...

[To the tune of "American Pie"] A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off more...

A man had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. So he went to his Priest to seek advice.
He told the Priest about all of his problems in business and asked the Priest what he should do. The Priest said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew more...

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were more...

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large number of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were more...

(This got passed around Microsoft a few days ago. Thought you might
appreciate it. - Ellen)
Hardware Question of the Day
A dealer calls in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse
card. After I informed this person that jumper information is on page 9 of the
Mouse User's Guide, and gave the proper jumper setting, the dealer said: "Can
you hold on while I give it a try?"
The telephone clicked against the desk on the other end as the receiver was
set down. The following conversation ensued:
(in whispers)
"He's right. It is on page 9."
"I told you to look in the book."
"I know, I know. He's still on the line. You talk to him."
"I didn't call him. I didn't screw up. You talk to him."
"Why don't you just hang it up. Maybe he won't notice."
"Okay."
Cluck. Click. Buzz (dial tone).
-Glen