Page Jokes / Recent Jokes

In a recent readers' contest, The Washington Post asked contestants to take any hyphenated heading at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a definition for the compound word they formed. Some of our favorite entries:

Advertising-Air: Touting a product when you already have a monopoly with no alternatives. "Seeing ads for U.S. postage stamps is like advertising-air."

Alcohol-Apartments: Universities used to call these "dormitories."

Artificial-Asphalt: Polenta.

Balancing-Balloons: Silicone implants on just one side to "even things up."

Banquet-Beauty: A euphemism for a plus-size woman.

Child-Duct: An FCC-acceptable euphemism for part of the female anatomy.

Chiropractors-Christmas: A forecast of freezing rain and heavy, wet snow.

Curtain-Dancing: What burlesque queens resort to when they've lost the figure for fan-dancing.

Demolition-Dentists: more...

Dear Santa: I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. more...

A catholic, a morman and an Arab were playing golf and bragging about their family.
The catholic boasted that he had 4 kids, his wife was pregnant and soon he would have his own basketball team.
The morman replied; "that's nothing, we have 10 kids. One more and I'll have a football team!!! "You guys have no vision" declared the Arab. "I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have my own 18-hole golf course!!!!"
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A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front
seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next
stop.
When the bus starts on its way again, the bus driver says to the Hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how to get that Nun to have sex with you."
The Hippie, of course, says that he would love to know, so more...

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Now look at them Yo-Yo's, that's the way you do it
You make a web page on the W-3
That ain't workin' that's the way ya do it
Money for nothin' and pix for free
Now that ain't workin' that's the way ya do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb
We gotta install satellite dishes
Home Theatre Deliveries
We gotta move these cable converters
We gotta move these color TV's
See the web designer with the fancy computer
Yea, bud, he's got a ponytail
That web designer's got his own BMW
That web designer don't get dirt under his nails
I shoulda learned to work a computer
I should learned Photoshop
Look at that grrrl, she's a web page maker
Man, where's it gonna stop?
And here's one... what's that? MIDI music?
Blasting out the speakers like a wild banshee
Man, that ain't workin' that's the way ya do it
Get your more...

I got this off of another mailing list, and though you do have to be somewhat familiar with Depeche Mode's music in order to fully appreciate this, I thought I would forward it anyway...
-Dan Aeschliman
Statement of Thesis
(sung to the tune of Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus)
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something of might
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something you'll spite
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
'Cause you just write crap
Don't forget your bluebook
The proctors give you dirty looks
Taking the test
Of issues addressed
Things on your chest
They can't be repressed
I will be prudent
I'm only a student
Reach out and touch page
Reach out and touch page
Your own statement of thesis...
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
'Cause you just write crap
Don't forget your more...

Aren't all questions answerable?

Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?

Can you confuse an open mind with one that is just vacant?

Can you ever get tired of sleeping?

Could you explain what would Happen if in a Book the First Page said Everything in the Book Including the First Page was False?

Does a Bridge go Over Water or does Water go Under a Bridge?

Does a sense of humor bestow an evolutionary advantage?

Does an existentialist map have' You are here' written all over it?

Ever notice how hindsight's so much better than foresight? And do you think we'd save time if we walked in hindsight first?

Have you noticed that nostalgia isn't what it used to be?

How come things were so different before everything changed?

How many loud speakers does it take to proclaim the dropping of a pin?

If hind-sight is 20/20 does that make Heinz-sight more...