Pain Jokes / Recent Jokes

When a married couple arrived at the hospital to have their baby delivered, the doctor informed them of a new machine he had invented. He explained that the machine would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pains to the father of the baby, and asked if they would be willing to try it out. They both agreed to give it a try.
To begin, the doctor set the knob of the machine at 10 percent, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced in the past. As labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the knob to 20 percent pain transfer and still, the husband felt fine.
The doctor checked his blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing, so they decided to bump it up to 50 percent.
Even at 50 percent, the husband continued to feel fine. Since it appeared to be helping his wife out considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain more...

Pain in the SideAt Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam`s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I`m going to have a wife."

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it more...

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one
of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're
in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major
worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm
afraid they're all wondering where I went."

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking more...

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three more...

One day a women was having a baby, and she asked the doctor "What can you do for the pain, for I've heard having a baby hurts a lot.", then the doctor told her he had a option for her. She could transmit some of her pain to the father of the baby, so the women and her husband agreed to give it a try.

So the doctor tried giving the husband 25% of the pain, and he felt no effect, so the doctor and the couple decided to give the husband 50% of the pain instead. Well, he still felt no pain, so the doctor increased it to 100% of the pain.

In the end of the birth, the baby was crying, the mother relived to have no pain and the husband had felt no pain at all. In the next few days, they all came home from the hospital and found the mailman dead on the porch!