Pain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said,' I'd like some fries.' The more...

We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.
With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.
We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."
We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college.
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth.
And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labor or pain.
Now it's with cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt.
We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight more...

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"
The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"
"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, more...

George W Bush dies and finally goes down to hell.
Satan is already there waiting for him, with the speech about an eternity of torment and pain, when Bush suddenly turns and says,-hey, cant we come to an agreement? Can we make a deal of some sort for me not to be in as much pain for all eternity?-
So Satan thinks for a bit, and then says -Ok, theres something we can do. Here are 3 doors, behind each of which is a former president of the United States. Now one person there has to leave hell, and you will have to replace the person you choose.-
-Fair enough,- says Bush.
So Satan opens the 1st door and in it is George Washington getting all his teeth kicked out only for them to grow back and get kicked out again.
Bush turns and says, -no, thats too painful-
So Satan opens the 2nd door and Abraham Lincoln is there being tortured by african slaves who he had work on his plantations, and Bush says -no, lets see the last one-
Behind the third door, Bill Clinton, more...

This is especially for those lads who are planning to ski this year....

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one more...

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription. Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your member really in that much pain?!''No', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

Artery - Study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - Letter like A. E. I. O. U
Caesarean section - District in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - Sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is
Diarrhea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
G. I. Series - Soldiers’ ball game
Grippe - Suitcase
Hangnail - Coathook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain - Torture in a teepee
Labor pain - Got hurt at work
Medical staff - Doctor’s cane
Morbid - Higher offer