Pain Jokes / Recent Jokes

* One Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.
** Two Star Hangover No pain.
Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.
*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy. You are more...

On September 4 1999 at 9. 30 a. m. Ron Guptey of N. S. W Australia went into hospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum area. The doctor on call examined him, he found severe swelling around the anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing before.

Two more doctors examined Ron but they too were left confused about what was happening. Through the day Ron's was deteriorating he had developed a fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen. The doctors gave pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2. 57 p. m. when he lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead.

An investigation was led to discover the reason of death. The body was placed in for a post mortem, traces of wood bark were found inside the rectal passage, but as the examination went further the doctor discovered about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron's intestine.

The police had found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Ron's back more...

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the more...

Jim and John were golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million
dollar houses. On the third tee, Jim said, "John, be very careful when you drive the ball
don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
John teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
Jim cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there,
apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the
door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
An old man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." Jim replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in
that bottle. You've released more...

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in1983.*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. more...

First Time
________________________________
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put
him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed
as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head
bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has
found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body
enses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply
within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many
times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give
him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to
hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little
pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the
tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the
slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks more...

A Sardar went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the man.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The Sardar touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then he touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch!
That hurts, too." Then he touched his right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", he cried.
The doctor checked him thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."