Paper Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits." The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them. The woman looked at him and asked, "Toilet paper, what will that do?" The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!"

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror for her birthday. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it more...

There's an indian who walks into a 7-11 and asks if they have toliet paper. The clerk says yes and takes him to the approiate aisle. The indian asks "how much is this White Cloud toliet paper?" The clerk says "2. 49 a role." The Indian says "oh, no, too much!!" Then he asks "how much is the Scotts toliet paper?" The clerk says "1. 99 a role." The indian says, "oh, no, still too much!!!" Then he asks "how much is this no name toliet paper?" The clerk says ". 10 a role." The indian says "I'll take 10 roles." The indian goes home and comes back the next day. He says to the clerk "I have new name for no name toliet paper. John Wayne toliet paper, because it's rough, and tough, and doesn't take no shit from indians!"

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean.

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said: I graduated from the University of Wyoming and they taught us not to pee on our hands.

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.

After one week, a test was held.

The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird’s legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.

Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test paper on the teacher’s desk.

“This is the worst test I have ever given. ”

The teacher looked up and said, “Young man, you have flunked the test. What’s your name? “

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, “You tell me”.

Santa "The Claw" Claus looked down the table at the other mafia bosses. All the families were represented. Gambino, Genovisse, Corleone, Luciano, even the Sinatras put in an appearance. Santa motioned for one of the black-suited elves to hand him the paper he was holding.
"This is how's it going to be, see," said Santa, "Mrs. Claus and me are sick of youse guys moving in on our turf." He read from the paper, "Gambino: Naughty. Genovisse: Naughty. Corleone: Naughty. Luciano: Naughty. Frank Sinatra: Nice, the rest of the Sinatras: Naughty."
"He made the list and checked it twice," intoned the elf.


"Youse naughty punks are going to get the hell out of Dodge," said Santa, "Me and Frank are runnings things now."
"You can't do this," shouted Don Corleone, leaping from his seat, "My boys'll murderize ya!"
"I don't think so," said the elf, "Hope you more...