Papers Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car more...

A little girl answered the knock on the door of the farmhouse. The caller, a rather troubled looking, middle-aged man, asked to see her father.
"If you've come about the bull," she said, "he's fifty dollars. We have the papers and everything and he's guaranteed."
"Young lady," the man said, "I want to see your father."
"If that's too much," the little girl replied, "we got another bull for twenty-five dollars, and he's guaranteed, too, but he doesn't have any papers."
"Young lady," the man repeated, "I want to see your father!"
"If that's too much," said the little girl, "we got another bull for only ten dollars, but he's not guaranteed."
"I'm not here for a bull," said the man angrily. "I want to talk about your brother, Elmer. He's gotten my daughter in trouble!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the little girl. "You'll have more...

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that more...

The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war. Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's MassacreVariety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"Pravda: "Big Red Victory."Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

Students at a New England university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay.

A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.

In due course, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read...

"I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

There was a law school where students operated a "bank" of papers that were assigned from time to time. There were papers to suit all needs, and, as it would look odd if an average student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.

A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it worthy of an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see. .. Can I see your vehicle registration
papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Sto! le it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner & got
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your more...