Papers Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"

Pravda: "Big Red Victory."

Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"

Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"

Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"

The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

There was a man, called Paddywhack, who worked in a very prestigious bank. One day a frog came in asking for a car loan. So he gave the frog the loan application papers. As the frog was filling them out, Paddywhack was looking over his shoulder. In the space for 'Father' the frog wrote in 'Mick Jagger'. Paddywhack said nothing. Then he asked the frog if he had enough money for a deposit. The frog said he didn't but produced a strange looking colourful glass sculpture that he said was worth a whole heap of money. Paddywhack said he'd have to talk to his boss about this, so he took the forms and the glass sculpture into his boss' office. He told his boss about the papers and asked him if he knew what the sculpture was. To which his boss replied,
"It's a nic nac Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war. Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town" Pravda: "Big Red Victory." Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series" Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback" Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff" The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

At first I was afraid
Now I'm petrified
That I just can't keep my GPA
of two point five.
I spent all those stupid nights...
I was just chilling way too long
And that was wrong
But now I know I must be strong
And now they're back
They're in my face
I've got 3 finals and 2 papers
to be done in just five days!
I should never have gone out
And I should never have partied
‘Cause now all this work I have
It's all piling up on me!
And I must go
to the library oh
To do research on those papers
And study harder than before
It's hell, I'll tell you that
and you know it's not a lie
But I can't crumble
I can't lay down and die
Oh no not I!
I will survive!
If I keep a 2 point O
At least I'll be alive!
I've got five more days to live
and I think my brain will give
But I'll survive!
I will survive!

Banta is pulled over by the same motorcycle cop who caught him earlier last month for not stopping at lights and beat him up. So Banta decides to go for a revenge this time.
Banta: Is there a problem Officer?
Cop: Sir, you were speeding.
Banta: Oh I see.
Cop: Can I see your licence please?
Banta: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Cop: Don't have one?
Banta: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Banta: I can't do that.
Cop: Why not?
Banta: I stole this car.
Cop: Stole it?
Banta: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Cop: You what?
Banta: She's in the trunk if you want to see.
The Cop looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Banta steps out more...

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
Sing along at the opera.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
Holler random more...

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name more...