Papers Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help."
Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon George Dubya, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him CPR, clearly saving his life.
After a few minutes, Dubya says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"
The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I've always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"
"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"
Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me more...

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!" The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?" "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!" Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me more...

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is more...

Definitions for assistant professors:
Academic Freedom:
being free to work any sixty hours of the week one likes.
Weekend:
those days on which one need neither dress well nor wash one's hair before coming to work.
Faculty Lounge:
one's office floor at 2:00 am.
Grade:
Your evaluation of a student's performance, based on your experience as a professional educator. You are allowed only to issue a single capital letter as your evalution. You must sign the submission of the grade, but it is a private record that you cannot disseminate. The student has recourse to several levels of appeal, as well as to legal action, if he or she feels the grade is inappropriate.
Student Teaching Evaluation:
A student's evaluation of your performance, based on his or her experience as a nineteen-year-old. The student can write whatever he or she likes. The student submits this evaluation anonymously, but it becomes a public document. You have absolutely no power to more...

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
11. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
12. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the more...

This month's internal news letter continues the tradition of including exerpts from student exams and papers. This month: history.
Pharoah forced the Herbrew slaves to make bread without straw
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleaven bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
Afterwards Moses went up to Mt Cyanide to get the ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
From the womb of Henry VIII protestantism was born. He found walking difficult as he had an abbess (sic) on his knee.