Parenthood Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

2. Raising teenagers is a lot like nailing Jello to a tree.

3. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

4. Your life's "Golden Age" is the period in your life when your kids are to old to require a babysitter and too young to take the car.

5. Shouting at your children to get cooperation is about the same as steering your car using the horn...same results.

6. To be in your children's memories tomorrow one must be in their life today.

7. The best advice regarding raising your children is to really enjoy them while they are still on your side.

8. A home's temperature is best maintained by warm hearts, not cold words or hot heads.

9. "The Joy of Motherhood": What a woman experiences after she puts the last tyke to bed.

10. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so that more...

A little boy never said a word for six years. One day his parents served him cocoa. From out of left field the kid said, "This cocoa's no good."

His parents went around raving. They asked him, "Why did you wait so long to talk?"

He said, "Up till now everything's been okay"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said," Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For heaven''s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out."

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I said, "Hello." The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry, dear, "I replied, "but I have to tell you you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan. In fact, I don't have any daughter at all."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's quavering voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you Grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man.

"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Smith, Henry and Hamilton. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a few questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away, young man."

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?".

"Yessir, for as long as I can remember."

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's more...

Sweet Little Girl: "Mommy, Mommy, the boy next door broke my dolly."

Mommy: "Why, that's terrible, dear. How did he do it?"

Little Girl: "I hit him over the head with it."