Partner Jokes / Recent Jokes

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:
1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp - forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets - 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 more...

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "Howd the meeting go?" asks the first guy."It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million.""Fabulous," says the guy by the pool."Theres just one catch," his partner warns."Whats the catch?""We have to put up ten thousand in cash".

Three guys decided to form a partnership and go into business for themselves.
"Since I put up sixty-five percent of the capital," the first said, "I am appointing myself Chairman of the Board and President."
"I put up thirty percent," said the second, "therefore, I am appointing myself Vice-President, Secretary and Treasurer."
"Well, I put up five percent," the third partner said. "What does that make me?"
"I am appointing you Vice-President of sex and music," said the Chariman.
"That sounds good," said the third partner, "but what does it mean?"
"What it means is, if and when I want your advice, I'll whistle!" the Chariman said.

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room.

When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, "Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom.
As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Cat Miracle Diet!

Most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for 4 days and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to more...

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

"Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer?" is Silicon Valley's newest game show.
What quality do you value most in your partner?
A sense of humor
Emotional maturity.
High bandwidth.
When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:
Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner.
Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page.
Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries on your pager, and resynchronize your Palm Pilot and home computer.
Your ideal partner is:
Interesting and attractive.
Emotionally mature and understanding.
Extensible and polymorphic.
In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:
Dilbert
Kernighan and Ritchie
comp.lang.c++
If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:
Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
Call a maid service.
Make clean
What kind of car would more...