Pass Jokes / Recent Jokes

A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A. M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes lateranother whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, buttwo minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopedhim:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's aparty going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"the whiskey replied. And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Written by a very wise man... I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by a more...

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your more...

You Know You're in New York City When...
1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I more...

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids. ”
“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates. ”
A few moments later a second man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers. ”
“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise. ”
A few moments later a third man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a Military more...