Pass Jokes / Recent Jokes

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your more...

You Know You're in New York City When...1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

Reacting to Federal guidelines, the State of FLORIDA, which has been highlighted as a role model for student testing by the Bush Administration's Dept. of Education, has redesigned and just released a new comprehensive test to be given to all students beginning in the spring of the 2004-2005 school year.
In response to President Bush's Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to pass it to be promoted to the next grade level.
In the hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, it will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test or (FART).
All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4, and 5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language (SMELL).
If with this increased SMELL program the student cannot pass the more...

Warnings to anyone who is Catholic and' sensitive' to such humor.

A recently deceased fellow stands before St. Peter and askes to be let into Heaven. St. Peter asks his religion, and the fellow replies' Episcopalian.'

St. Peter says:' Welcome to Heaven. Go to room 24. Please be very quiet as you pass room 8'.

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

'Religion'?

'Baptist'.

'Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8'.

A third man arrives at the gates.

'Religion?'

'Jewish.'

'Go to room 11, but please be very quiet as you pass room 8'.

The man says,' I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?'

St. Peter tells him,' Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here'.

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over but partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed more...

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without more...