Past Jokes / Recent Jokes

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

*** Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts. ***1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Since she can't get pregnant with her more...

It was two weeks past elections, when all through Palm Beach. Only lawyers were stirring, the blood sucking leech. The ballots were held to the light with great care, in hopes that a dot or a dimpled be there.

The voters were nestled all snug in their beds, while nightmares of pregnant chads danced in their heads. And Bush back in Austin, and Gore in DC, had just rattled the courts over votes absentee.

When out on the beach there arose such a clatter, the counters stopped counting to see whats the matter. Away to the shore lawyers flew like a flash, the out of state protesters started to clash.

When what to our wondering eyes was bestowed, but Air Force One and eight interns in tow. What came off the plane gave us all quite a chill, we knew in a moment twas our buddy Bill.

More buxom than hookers, his courses they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now Bambi, Now Suzie! Now Candy and Tasha! On Cassie! On Dana! On more...

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was furious!

She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn't do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" And the bird replied, "You know."

Women
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like more...

A lady is walking down the street to work and she see's a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her,'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her,' Hey lady, you are really ugly.'

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said,'That's not good.' and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her,' Hey lady.' She paused and said,'Yes?' and the bird said,' You know.'