Past Jokes / Recent Jokes

January 1, 2000
Dear (enter employee name here)
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,
432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

January 1, 2000Dear (enter employee name here)Re: Vacation PayOur records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side. They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless". They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter. Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound." They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room." Oh, more...

' There is an upgrade path from the Old to the New Testament, but it's difficult and unsupported.'

'We were only able to get the first seven Commandments on the stone tablets. The last three will be in Commandments' 98.'

'You can't get your bush to burn? Have you tried sacrifice?'

'The' virgin birth' is not a bug, it's a documented feature.'

'You'll need more RAM to run all four horseman concurrently.'

'The first semaphore is being dropped, the second is returning an olive branch.'

'I.S. says it will rain for exactly 20 days.'

'Kai's Revelations Tools produce some really cool effects but they're difficult to understand and use.'

'We killed the process, but three days later it came back.'

'The walls of Jericho won't fall without a 100% fully compatible Soundblaster Card.'

'The voice of God is a standardized protocol, but each prophet implements it differently.'

'My more...

jay bob and david are walking home one night from the pub and they get pulled up by 5 guys with nifes they say to jay bob and david we will let u past if u all have a 2 inch or over dick, so bob whips out his dick:7inch then david whips out his:6inches
then jay :3inches so the men with the nifes say you can go past bob says thank god my dick was 7 inches, then david said thank god my dick was 6inches then jay said thank god i hit a hardon.

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he`s falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn`t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he`s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A. So she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.