Patch Jokes / Recent Jokes

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" Th e pirate snapped, "It was the more...

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg."
"Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!"
The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?"
"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!"
Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?"
"One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"
The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"
"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, more...

Did you hear about the gay fellow who put a nicotine patch on his pecker?

Well he is down to two butts a day.

A farmer who grew watermelons was troubled by some local kids. Each night, the kids would sneak into his watermelon patch and eat the watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea to scare the kids away. He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
When the kids showed up the next night, they saw his sign: "Beware! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So, the kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it right next to the farmer's sign.
When the farmer came to check his field in the morning, he was relieved to see that no watermelons were missing. Then, he noticed the new sign next to his:
"Now there are two!"

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"