Patient Jokes / Recent Jokes

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop' em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every more...

An elderly man was in need of a heart transplant and his doctor was discussing his options with him.
"We have three possible donors, Mr. Smith." the doctor said. "You'll have to tell me which one you'd like us to use. The first is a healthy athlete who was killed in a car crash. The second is a middle-aged businessman who died in an accident, never having had a drink and never having smoked his entire life. The third is a lawyer who died after practicing law for 25 years."
The patient thought it over and told his doctor that he would take the lawyer's heart.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient his reason for choosing the donor he did.
"It was an easy decision, doctor," replied the patient. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"

A dentist’s patient was grumbling about the fee. “Two hundred rupees for pulling out a tooth!, ” she exclaimed. “And it’s only a minute’s work. ”
“Well, if you wish, ” the dentist said, “I’ll it out slowly. ”

A man goes into his doctors office and he seems very nervous.
The doctor says "what is wrong?"
The patient says "I can't tell you unless you promise not to laugh"
Doctor "I have been a doctor for 30 years and I have never once laughed at a patient"
Patient "well I guess you won't laugh but I will have to show you what is wrong"
"Ok lets take a look" the doctor replies
The man proceeds to pull down his pants to reveal the smallest penis the doctor had ever seen. Try as he might not to laugh the doctor is soon rolling around the floor laughing.
After a few minutes the doctor regains his composure and apologizes to his patient.
"I am so sorry that has never happened before, so what seems to be the problem"
To which the patient replies "Well isn't it obvious doc?.. IT"S ALL SWELLED UP!!"

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now".The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

A MegaLaw visitor submission:

A man confers with his cardiologist about some serious heart problems. Upon examination, the cardiologist confirms that the man requires a heart transplant. He informs his patient of this frightening news, but tells him not to worry:

"Fortunately for you, sir, we have two hearts available for transplant immediately. Not only is there no waiting list for these organs, but you actually have the opportunity to choose between the two. The first is from a twenty-three year old triathelete. The second is from an eighty year old attorney. Now, my good man, I think your decision should be rather simple. But, nevertheless, which do you choose?"

"The attorney's heart, of course."

"You cannot be serious. You actually select the heart of an eighty year old man versus that of a much younger man accustomed do running and biking hundreds of miles? What, may I ask, is your more...