Penance Jokes

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldn't hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasn't a priest to be found.Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, "You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long."It's very simple", said the Priest. "There on the wall is a chart... column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is."The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.The very next person in line entered the booth and more...

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was more...

An Irish man walks into a church and goes to confess his sins

Bloke "father father i fucked a cat"

Father "a terrible sin this weeks penance is 20 whips around the back"

That night the vicar was thinking how he did it and thought he will give it a go so he picked up his cat turned him round and was just about to start when the cat turned and clawed his bollocks blood was coming out everywhere

Next week the same bloke came in bloke " father father i fucked a cat again"

Father " how did you do it" bloke " i put the cat in a box wrap cotton wool around him and cut a hole at the bottom of the box then i am ready"

The father turned round and said" your penance this week is to fuck the cat without the box"

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church."Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him."Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!"."Joe, don't worry...I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen..."Bless me Father...I have sinned...I have had impure more...

A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far asCleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10, 000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying. By the time he got through with the 10, 000 Hail Mary's, he was approachingSan Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was asevere guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's". The man said, "What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10, 000 Hail Mary's for the same thing. Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?".