Penny Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A man, trying very hard to understand the nature of God, asks Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
"A million years is like a minute," God replies.
The man then asks, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" "A million dollars is like a penny," God replies.
After thinking for a moment, the man asks, "God, could you give me a penny?"
"In a minute!" replies God.

A young guy and girlfriend were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's about time for a kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, honey."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Don't you think it's about time you pay me that first penny?", said the guy.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to more...