Percent Jokes / Recent Jokes

Meade’s Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Mencken’s Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.
Muir’s Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Newlan’s Truism: An “acceptable” level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Nolan’s Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Nowlan’s Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100 percent at work... 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays.
And help me to remember that... When I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why doesn't it matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis?
They're stuck in adolescence.
How many men does more...

Economic computer virusesINTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine. MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened. MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense." CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. MULTINATIONAL more...

100, 000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real more...

Richard Jefferson recently told reporters that 80 percent of all pro athletes get divorced. The other 20 percent must be better at cheating.

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the more...