Perform Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks." The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

Question:
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer:
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The more...

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, more...

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it."Would that suit your needs?" he asked.The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion."Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained... to perform oral sex upon women."At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne more...

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company. The clerk explained that the name of the store was' Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it." Would that suit your needs?" he asked. The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion." Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this' amphibian' has been carefully trained. .. to perform oral sex upon women." At this the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of more...

One day a new pastor moved to a small town. He wanted to impress his congregation and make them believe he could perform miracles. So he went into an animal store where he bought a parrot. He taught the parrot to speak and to perform some tricks. He decided to perform a miracle for his sermon the following Sunday. On Saturday night, he bought two loaves of bread and gave them to the parrot. He told the parrot to go onto the roof of the church, and during service the next morning when he says, "God, send down bread!", the parrot must send down into the church one loaf at a time.
During service the next morning, the pastor cried out to his congregation, "I can perform miracles! I can make bread come down from Heaven! God, send down bread!"
And a loaf of bread fell from Heaven. The congregation was in awe of the pastor. They could not believe that he could perform miracles. They said, "do it again!"
The pastor cried out again, "God, send more...