Pet Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dear Dog and/or Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I more...
A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why? The baby chick was a little cheeper!
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Dear Master:
The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:
IT'S TIME TO GET RID OF THE CAT.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me bites of food under the table.
Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table -- actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she saunters past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, more...
What do you call a minor bird accident?
A feather bender.
Why did the duck go ring-ring?
He got a phone bill.
What did the little bird say to the big bird?
Peck on someone your own size.
What do you call a formal dance for ducks?
A fowl ball.
What kind of ducks rob banks?
Safe quackers.
Why was the duck unhappy?
His bill was in the mail.
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Why did the pigeon need to get out?
He was cooped up at home all week.
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Which bird does construction work?
The crane!
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Which birds work underground?
Myna (miner) birds.
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What kind of doctor treats a duck?
A quack doctor!
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What kind of weather excites a pet duck?
Fowl weather, of course!
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What holiday is strictly observed by all birds?
Feather's Day!
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Where can birds play professional baseball?
In the mynah leagues!
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How can you tell a miser more...
When choosing a pet, keep in mind that to a dog, you're family; to a cat, you're staff...