Pet Jokes / Recent Jokes
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar more...
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I`ll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th more...
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did? ”
The guy says, “No, what? ”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole! ”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, ” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything. ”
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, more...
This housewife got tired of being alone every day since her husband was at work and her three daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and explains her situation to the clerk and tells him that she wants a talking parrot.
The clerk thinks for a minute and then tells her that they do have one talking parrot, but that she wouldn't like him.
"Why not?" she asks.
"Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colorful language, and you did say that you have a family," he replied.
"Well, my girls are 16, 17, and 18. They have heard it all. Just let me see him."
The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she instantly falls in love with the bird and insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family.
The next day she came down more...
Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."
When choosing a pet, keep in mind that to a dog, you're family; to a cat, you're staff...