Pet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jon takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.

"Whose dog is tied up out front?"

Jon responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop.

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed."

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named Chet".
Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out "Chet" on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas Carols.
Approaching the bird "Chet", the manager took out his lighter and said "Yes, just listen." As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all. .." but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's. ..".
Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's more...

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that hes on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I dont fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like to have one too."
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old."
He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church more...

Dear Dogs and Cats,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and more...

Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant. "Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet".

The service assistant says "I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede". "Great!" the man exclaims, "I'll take it!"

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: "Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the tavern for a beer?" The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.

Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, "Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the tavern for a beer?" Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. Hmmmmm the guy thinks to himself, I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask more...