Pet Jokes / Recent Jokes

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc.
The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area.
One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out.
But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, more...

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.
"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."
This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer' quill'. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador".
As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.
The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. "That is the Matador Special" replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"
"That's what I'll have!", says the businessman.
"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".
Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day.
So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the "Matador Special" to another customer who was more...

This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, more...

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

Mary walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the proprietor for help.
"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. */ "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I dunno," the strange woman replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."

If you're looking for a really unusual pet," said the shop owner, "this cage contains a giant Crunch Bird. Its powerful beak and claws are capable of completely demolishing almost anything."
"How horrible," said the woman customer.
"Not at all," the pet-shop owner replied, "for the bird is remarkably well behaved and completely obedient. It is only when he is given a direct command, such as' Crunch Bird, the chair,' or' Crunch Bird, the table,' that he attacks and destroys the thing that was named."
"Could he destroy a television set?" the woman asked, with new interest.
"Console or table model. Color or black-and-white. If the Crunch Bird was given the command he would turn any set into a pile of metal scrap, wires and tubes in a few seconds."
"I want him!" the woman exclaimed. "I don't care what he costs, I want him!"
When the woman returned home, she found her husband more...