Pete Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin'' Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;

Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5, 4, and 3:

The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!

The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer more...

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed!"

Several years ago, and this story is true, I was riding "shot gun" with a friend on a Road Train.(For our foreign readers - a road Train is a Prime Mover with up to 5 Trailers and they are regularly used for transporting goods and livestock in outback Australia).

We were moving cattle from a cattle station near the Alice up to Katherine and onto Darwin. Nothing special until we were flagged down by a couple of indigenous Australians who had run out of petrol about 250 just outside of Katherine. We pulled up and went back to see what the problem was and they pleaded up to tow them into town(Katherine) we laughed and said that they were crazy to want our truck to tow an old rust bucket of a Ford 250 KM on a dirt road.

Anyway they managed to convince Pete and they produced a large chain and Pete said that the chain would rip the front off the car, because a chain has no give in it and so Pete came up with a tow rope that they could use. They eagerly pushed more...

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him. Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.""I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

Arriving at Heaven A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?" The soprano answers, "Three." "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle." Ow" What was that for?" asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth." "Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified." Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his more...

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'' Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5, 4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the more...