Pete Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10. 00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. 00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: 1. You have tennis elbow. 2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. 3. It will be better in two weeks....... That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. more...

A young guy Pete, picks up this beatiful blone woman at a outback pub.
Highly impressed with his appeal to women he takes this blonde
home and seduces her. He first sticks one finger and tries to feel
the virginal walls but with no luck. He then sticks two and then
his whole hand in with absolutely no luck. Her hole is far too big.
He then sticks both his hands and feels around. Still no luck!!
Pissed off as he is he stick one leg and then both legs and still
has no luck. He then sticks his hands, legs and his head in and
falls into her hole.
It is pitch dark inside her cunt but fortunately he had a torch
with him and he looks around and accidently drops the torch. Anyway
while trying to feel around for the torch he feels a touch on
his back. He finds another guy John lost inside the blondes cunt as
well
Pete: Oh Hi, Listen, if we find my torch we can find our way out
John: Don't bother find my car keys and more...

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband`s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn`t it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he`d give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriendentwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" thebartender asked."That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and
revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.”Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The
blinding light and heat were enormous.“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it
out.”

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailerNot a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:The twins were both girls So they let them be.They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."Maw was expecting And needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door without making a peep.They all looked around, and then they all spit.The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is more...

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Pete: "I'm going back to go get her."