Phil Jokes

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache."I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The more...

A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it.
"To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'"

A guy walks into a bar one day, sits down, and claims he knows everyone in the world. The guy sitting next to him says "I don't believe you - do you know me?" The first guy says, "Sure Phil, we met two years ago at a convention - my name is Tony - remember?" The second guy says, "Okay, I remember, but I still don't believe you know everyone." So he asks Tony if he knows the bartender. Tony and the bartender, of course, go way back. The bartender confirms this. Phil tries to think of someone Tony couldn't possibly know. So he says to Tony, "Do you know Bill Clinton?" Tony replies, "Oh yeah, Bill and I smoked dope back at Oxford together." To prove it, he calls Bill Clinton on the President's private line. The two have a 20 minute conversation before hanging up. Phil is now determined to come up with someone Tony would never be able to know. This time he says, "How about the Pope?" The only way to prove this is to go to the more...

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache." I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails." A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"