Phrases Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference."
A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... more...
How to Argue and Win Every Time
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
*Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
*Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to more...
These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers). "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer." "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching." "A room temperature IQ." "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." "A prime candidate for natural deselection." "Bright as Alaska in December." "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests." "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." "Fell out of the family tree." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." "He's so dense, light bends around him." "If brains were taxed, more...
More male phrases explained:
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard more...
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that many cars will now be of German origin. To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:
1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators
2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)
3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch
5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture
6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver
7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car
8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers
9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt
10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway Code
11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck
14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid
15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident