Phrases Jokes / Recent Jokes

Useful Work Phrases 1. Thank you. We`re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce. 3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t care. 4. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 5. I`m not being rude. You`re just insignificant. 6. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 7. How about never? Is never good for you? 8. I`m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 9. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 10. I`ll try being nicer if you`ll try being smarter. 11. I`m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 12. I don`t work here. I`m a consultant. 13. It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m really quite busy. 14. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 15. I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

How to Argue Effectively I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: -=- Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1, 452. 81 per annum, which is $836. 07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission more...

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I`m not being rude. You`re just insignificant.
I`m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m really quite busy.
Thank you. We`re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn`t mean you`re an artist
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t care.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It`s a thankless job, but I`ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I`m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
You sound reasonable... Time to up more...

How To Play "Office BINGO":
(AKA ~ BULLCRAP BINGO!)

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and training sessions at your office? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your "Bullcrap Bingo" card by drawing a square -- 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five across and five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practices, bottom line, revisit, paradigm, 24/7, out-of-the-loop, benchmark, value-added, proactive, win-win, think outside the box, fast-track, result-driven, empower, knowledge-base, at the end of the day, touch base, active listening, mindset, client-focused, ballpark, game-plan, leverage, technology.

3. Check off the appropriate block more...

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred more...

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are:

"Peace on Earth",
"Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."

Top Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?