Physical Jokes / Recent Jokes

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.

"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"

In the 1980's, French women Dominique Peignoux, Yvette Guys and Francoise Dekan marketed a musical napkin that was placed inside a baby's diaper and played "When the Saints Go Marching In" as soon as it became wet.

William A. Calderwood of Peoria, Arizona patented helium filled furniture that would float to the ceiling when not in use to allow extra floor space and be pulled back down by a rope as needed.

It was in 1966 that America's Thomas J. Bayard invented a vibrating toilet seat, acting on the belief that physical stimulation of the buttocks is effective in relieving constipation.

James Moreau developed a brassiere in 1988 which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast. A transparent version is suggested for those who wish to make a fashion statement.

In 1984, Inventor Timothy Zell developed a method of growing unicorns that are of higher intelligence more...

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic,
analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

This old couple goes to the doctor for the old man's physical and he can't hear very well. The doctor tells him that the first thing he's going to check is his eyes.
The old man says "What'd he say? What'd he say??"
And the wife says "He wants to check your eyes."
Then the doctor says "Now, I want you to get on the table, I want to check your vital signs."
And the old man says "What'd he say? What'd he say??"
The wife says "He wants you to get on the table, he wants to check your vital signs."
The last thing the doctor says is "I need three things from you: I need a sperm sample, a stool sample and a urine sample."
And the old man says "What'd he say? What'd he say??"
And the wife says "He wants to check your shorts..."

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

Exposure:

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell.
Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of substance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess."

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the
approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 more...

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Star Wars Character: Darth Vader Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there is a peace-loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during battle.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Star Wars Character: Lando Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He became fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also poses as a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Star Wars Character: The Emperor The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at the center of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character: Chewbacca more...

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their more...