Pick Jokes / Recent Jokes

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred more...

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:
1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp - forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets - 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 more...

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!! DAY ONE:Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat more...

He went to the post office to pick up a job application. He got in line at about 2:50 PM. By the time he got to the counter it was 3:05. He asked the clerk for a job application. She told him the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.
He told her he had been in line since before 3:00 and he only wanted to pick up an application. She repeated through gritted teeth that the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.
He told her, "Listen all I want is an application. I don't care if you hire me or not. I'd like an application and by law you have to give one to me."
She glared at him, went in the back room, came back with the application and threw it across the counter at him. As he picked it up and was leaving, he said to her, "No wonder you guys shoot each other."

Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom’s. Explain to the tux shop what you’re up to. Pick up the groom’s fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don’t reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote “Help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “Me” on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of more...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing more...

1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V. D. Clinic." 2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" 3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." 4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you." 5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." 6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator." 7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" more...