Piles Jokes / Recent Jokes

Firaq Gorakhpuri, the doyen of Urdu shairi, is often pestered by aspiring poets to write prefaces for their works. One such poet who was oversure of himself approached Firaq and by way of self-introduction said:' Firaq Sahib, my poems have been published in all the leading Urdu magazines and journals in the country. No doubt you must have read many of them.'
Firaq replied: All these magazines and journals you speak of also carry advertisements of medicines to cure piles; do you expect me to have read all these?' (Incidentally, Firaq suffered from piles and some of his jokes are about the pain they caused him in his fundament.)
Once at a mushaira, while other poets were reciting their compositions, the cord of Firaq's pajama snapped. When his turn came, he proceeded to recite while sitting down. The crowd clamoured.' Please get up and come to the mike.' Firaq stayed glued to his takia and replied,' Khawateen-o-Hazrat (ladies and gentlemen), the cord of my pajama has snapped. more...

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, more...

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening more...

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more...

Alice works in a chemists on Saturdays with her dad who is the pharmacist. One weekend, her dad decides to have the morning off and to leave Alice to mind the shop.
"Now, pay attention," he says. "Under the counter are two piles of brown paper bags with condoms in them. If a man comes in and asks for a