Pilot Jokes / Recent Jokes

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Bill Clinton, Lee Kwan Yew and Mahathir arranged to go on a world tour, traveling on a plane which can only take 4 people, including the pilot. Just before they left, Bill Clinton suddenly announced that he would like to bring his little nephew along.' But the plane is designed to take 4 people only, and I'm afraid it may crash!' worried the pilot. However, Clinton insisted, and finally the boy was allowed to board the plane. True enough, the plane encountered problems and was going to crash, but to their dismay, there were only 4 parachutes. Clinton grabbed the 1st parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the president of the mighty USA, and my life is the most valuable!' and jumped down the plane without a second look. Lee Kwan Yew grabbed the 2nd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Senior Minister of Singapore, and my life is just as important!' and jumped down. Mahathir, not to be outdone, grabbed the 3rd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Prime Minister of Malaysia, the most important of more...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with more...

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there’s a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I’m sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We’ll be delayed 45 minutes. ”
Suddenly there’s another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they’ll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they’ll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we’ll be up here all day. ”

There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, ''God bless me!'' Bill Gates jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my bank account!'' Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my team!'' Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and the New York Rangers!'' The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, ''God bless me and the people I land on!''

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."