Pine Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
-' 66 Ford Fairlane
-' 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
-' 64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch more...

Today is one of the first Father’s Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn’t have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father’s horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it’s the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family more...

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top more...

Knock Knock Who's there! Courtney Pine! Courtney Pine who? Courtney Pine tables, I need a new one!

1. Watch the sunset- on a sled.
2. Smile more, -it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. -It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. - It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. - You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. - You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. - Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. - This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes - and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, - unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, -it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. - With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, - or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone's day, - or night.
15. Stand on your head. - For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. - Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. - more...

"Father's Day in the 1900's and today"
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family more...

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Courtney Pine!
Courtney Pine who?
Courtney Pine tables, I need a new one!