Place Jokes / Recent Jokes

Are You Feeling Stressed Out?
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then plop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
RAINY-web

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: May I see you pretty soon?
Woman: Don't you think I'm pretty now?
Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Let's start with your bank account.
Man: May I have the last dance?
Woman: You've just had it.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Is this seat more...

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
1a. Your graduation lasted 20 minutes.
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
2a. You can smell the difference between different animals' manure.
3. You know what 4-H is.
3a. You were in 4-H.
3b. You can walk through the entire county fair in 15 minutes.
4. You ever went to "headlight parties".
4a. Your busiest intersection does not have a stop light.
5. You used to drag "main".
5a. You noticed when there was a new car in town.
6. You said the "f" word and your parents knew within the hour.
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't.
8. You ever went cow-tipping.
9. You have gone to an auction as a social gathering.
10. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the "buyer" for all of the best parties.
11. You have more...

A teacher died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed her in and said he would show her to her place in heaven.

The first neighborhood was lovely. People were out on the park-like lawns, socializing, Bar-B-Q-ing, playing golf on a beautifully landscaped golf course, and having a fine time.

"Oh, this is wonderful", says the school teacher to St. Peter, "Is this where I'll be staying?"

"No, this is the doctors' area", replied St. Peter.

They continue the journey and come to another beautiful neighborhood. Again everyone is outside socializing. People are on tennis courts, swimming in pools.

"My, this IS paradise", gushed the teacher, "is this my neighborhood?"

"No, no, the teacher's area is next."

They move on among the clouds until they reach and equally beautiful neighborhood, but no one is outside. No one is visible anywhere and the houses appear to more...

Bill, a prominent southern California business man, got stuck in a traffic jam for the N-th day in a row and decided there and then that he had had enough. He made up his mind to liquidate his assets and buy a ranch in the middle of Nowhere Wyoming. Which he did.
He bought a ranch complete with a rather run down ranch house and set about to getting the ranch house up to code. He spent several months doing nothing but construction work.
One day he saw someone riding towards him over a far off hill. The rider eventually got up to the ranch house and introduced himself as Bill's nearest neighbor, and said he had been planning to come over and exchange greeting, but wanted to wait for Bill to get settled in.
Bill was pretty excited, as he hadn't really had any human contract for several months now, which was quite a change from his former life.
After exchanging greetings, Bill asked his neighbor "what do youall do for some fun around here"?
The neighbor more...

1. You can name everyone you graduated with2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home3. You know what 4-H is4. You ever went to "headlight parties"5. You used to drag "main"6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't8. You ever went cow-tipping9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties10. You have parties at the same guy's house12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events13. The town social events are their children's14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them16. Social acceptance in town more...

A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?" "Oh no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole! !!"