Plane Jokes / Recent Jokes

Taken from this mornings "Metro" (7th June, London, UK):
A friendly greeting caused a major airport security alert when a man called "Hi, Jack" to a colleague on board an aircraft.
A SWAT team and dozens of police reinforcements were called to the Oakland International Airport near Detroit in the US.
Lt. Rick Crigger said, "There was a guy on the plane named Jack, and someone walked in and said, 'Hi Jack'. The mike just happened to be open and the tower heard it."
Thinking someone was hijacking the corporate jet, the FBI as well as police were called to prepare for a hostage situation. Air traffic controllers ordered the plane to return to the tower but, after a quick check on the identity of the pilot, the jet was cleared for take off.

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs". Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the more...

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a. m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that was O. K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night?

They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi Dad! I've got some more...

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one.
Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Elle, Helena and Naomi were on their first plane flight together. In the middle of the flight, the pilot warns them of severe storms and the worst weather conditions and the possibility that the plane may crash. The girls were all anxious and thought their plane may crash.

They all rush to put their seat belts on and Elle is busy unbuttoning her blouse and showing her cleavage. Helena and Naomi look at her surprised and ask her what she is doing. Elle said, "Well, if the plane crashes and we go down, when the rescuers come, they will notice my lovely breasts and rescue me first."

Helena then gets out her compact and starts putting on her make up and brushes her hair. Elle and Naomi ask her what she's doing and say its a waste of time, especially since they are going to crash. Helena then said, "Well, when the plane crashes, we go down and the rescuers arrive, they will notice I am the most beautiful girl and they will rescue me more...

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.
So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.
He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill deer."
So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.
He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill buffalo."
The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried. Then more...

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to more...