Planned Jokes / Recent Jokes
The President planned a news conference this week to try to calm the jitters of the investors over Wall Street's antics. He had planned to have a lot of charts and graphs to show everything was alright.
The session had to be canceled though. Seems Chelsa took all the crayons in the White House with her when she went away to college.
Susie Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
but Joe is yo' half-brother."
So Susie forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."
But Mama knew and said "Honey Child,
Do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
you ain't no kin to Pappy!"
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with
U. S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had more...
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Announcement: It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside). Invitations: Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one more...
1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2000 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.
1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2000 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.
1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2000 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.
1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2000 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2000 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2000 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Announcement:It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).Invitations:Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one more...