Federal Jokes

If men had PMS, what would happen? a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it. b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanentdisability. c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days. d) All of the above.

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
“We’ll do it better, ” Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late more...

An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that more...

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the United States for any money.
When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality.
Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people that anything with the word "Federal" in it could be speedy.
Dr. Ruth says women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive.
After divorce, most men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding more...