Plans Jokes / Recent Jokes
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancée to his study for some Schnapps. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father more...
OPERATION ORDER 12-98
FOR: OFFICIAL VISIT OF LT jg SANTA CLAUS
1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, more...
Billionaire oil man T. Boone Pickens is shelving plans to build the world's largest wind farm. Pickens thinks he can produce more wind power by hooking up a generator to Joe Biden.
The “think positive” leader tends to listen to his subordinate’s premonitions only during the postmortems. The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value. The average man’s judgment is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it. The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere. The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal. The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I more...
As usual, it's been a busy week here in the Large Apple, with many happenings. Here are a few highlights.
Five years later, the "seriously-we're-not-kidding-this-time-we-really-mean-it" final plans for the WTC site have been unveiled. Again. There have been so many of these things, the early plans trigger bidding wars on ebay.
Christie Whitman has been insisting she repeatedly warned the Giuliani administration about the dangerous air in NYC after 9/11, but that Rudy's people ignored her. However, transcripts show she made several statements at the time saying the air was quite safe. Of course, she was referring to the air in her hermetically-sealed hovercraft, E.P.A.-ONE.
50 Cent was arrested today for driving an uninsured Lamborghini through midtown Manhattan. He told police he was just making a quick "In-N-Out" run with fellow criminal Paris Hiton. When reminded there are no In-N-Out Burgers in New York, Fitty replied, "Who said more...
Brett Favre announced his retire from the Minnesota Vikings and revealed his "post-football" plans.
Rather than returning to Mississippi as everyone expected, he surprised everyone by saying that he intends to stay in Minnesota and open a bakery with former Viking teammate, Adrian Peterson. Their specialty item will be...turnovers!