Plastic Jokes / Recent Jokes

This one woman who was in her late 40's went to the plastic surgen. She wanted an entire face lift and so the doctor said he had this new technique. The woman asked how it was done so the doctor explained it. He said that he would cut two slits on top of her head and tie them into a knot. The woman asked why he would put a knot, and the doctor said that it was so if her face felt a little droopy, when she twisted it to the right, it would tighten the skin on her face. The woman decided to get the surgery done.The doctor told her to come back in four months so he could check up on how she was doing. During the four months the woman had tightened the knot quite a bit. When the woman had finally gone back to see the doctor, she had been complaining about her bags under her eyes being heavy.The doctor examined her for one minute and said, lady, those aren't bags under your eyes, they're your tits! And then the lady said, that would explain the gotee on my chin!

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone more...

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q. How come Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She more...

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag more...

Smaller or larger tuxedo

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Write on the bottom of shoes

Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation more...

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

one is made out of plastic and dangerous for kids, and the other holds groceries

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy
shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's
in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir...,"Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends!