Point Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sheldon Scheney sent me this article in response to my post about the competition between San Jose's Mayor's office and San Jose's Police department as to which was funnier.
I had heard about the drug lord wedding sting. I always enjoy a good sting. The pawn shop sting was used successfully in Washington DC a few years ago. One of my favorites, if not quite a sting, was back when truckers were forming convoys to scoff the 55 mile an hour speed limit. Maryland State Police had an 18 wheeler they had confiscated hauling something illegal, so they used it as an unmarked police car. It would infiltrate convoys, identify the trucks, one by one as it either passed them or was passed by them, then the whole convoy was stopped and everybody ticketed.
Another I enjoyed was last December as I was driving up route 95 - a favorite highway up the east coast from Florida past many east coast cities like Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York, heavily used by drug traffickers and more...

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad.
The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said, "Ready, aim. .. " at which point the brunettes yelled "Earthquake!!!"
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped.
Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim. .. " at which point the redheads yelled "Tornado!!!"
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redheaded guys all took off and escaped.
The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim. .. more...

One Point Dares:Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
Don't use any punctuation.
Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen. Three Point Dares:Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Every time you more...

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

When a newly bought rooster died after only three weeks on the job, the farmer was determined that the replacement would last a while longer, and so, before putting the rooster into the hen coop, he dosed it heavily with vitamins and pep pills. The instant the bird was released, it charged into the coop and serviced every one of the hens therein. Then, before the farmer could stop it, it flew into the adjoining coop and proceeded to do the same for the geese. At this point, the farmer gave up and went back to the house, shaking his head and muttering, "He'll never last out the day." Sure enough, around sunset the farmer was crossing the yard, and there lay the rooster, legs aloft, flat on its back, with two hungry buzzards slowly circling above his supine body. "Damn it!" groaned the farmer. "Now I've got to buy me another new rooster!" At which point the rooster opened one eye, winked and, pointing at the nearing buzzards, said, "Shh!"

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write' click' and I wrote' click'."

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type' click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. At this point the bartender leaves to take care of some business in the back. As he is about to take his first sip someone says,
"Hey thats a great coat!"
He turns around and to his surprise no one is there. He shrugs it off as nothing and goes back to his beer.
"You look great did you get a haircut?!" Again someone exclaims.
He turns around, and again; No one.
He goes back to his beer when someone again shouts.
"Those shoes go great with that great coat!"
At this point the man is just about at his wits end, when the bartender comes out.
"Excuse me barkeep" the man replies "Someone keeps speaking to me, but everytime I turn around no one is there."
The bartender replies back at the bewildered man. "Oh thats just the peanuts... They're complimentry"